so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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