I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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