a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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