So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
