My cat gives me a boner
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
