Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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