I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
