I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I checked into jail on foursquare
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
