I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
FUCK WHALES
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
