I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Actions speak louder than pants.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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