you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
