she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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