I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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