i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
