You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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