Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
