get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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