They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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