Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
