He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
