He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
