Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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