the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
