Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
