Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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