beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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