Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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