Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
