Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
