you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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