I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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