She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
