Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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