i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
