dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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