An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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