Please don't use social media to get back at me.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
