if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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