have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
