this beer tastes like vomit already
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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