Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The air taste purple.
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