I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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