before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
