just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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