I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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