At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
