I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
