I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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