you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
