If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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