Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
this boner is exhausting
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
